George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it usedto be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and newhomes and graduations from rehab. Picking out thestuff you want and having other people buy it for youisn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularlylike them! Besides, I already know what the captain ofthe football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl ofWendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grownman, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here'show much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, butflavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucksand order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat,iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and OneNutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look upfrom sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don'twant Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kidwho is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translatesto 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised theU.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watchingthose athletes at the poker table was just too damnedexciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,they're already doing that. It's called 'The HowardStern Show.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'mextra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have togive everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can seewhat's playing on the other screens. Let's rememberthe reason something was a television show in thefirst place is that the idea wasn't good enough to bea movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do justfine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care inthe first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'