George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it usedto be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and newhomes and graduations from rehab. Picking out thestuff you want and having other people buy it for youisn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularlylike them! Besides, I already know what the captain ofthe football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl ofWendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grownman, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here'show much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, butflavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucksand order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat,iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and OneNutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look upfrom sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don'twant Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kidwho is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translatesto 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised theU.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watchingthose athletes at the poker table was just too damnedexciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,they're already doing that. It's called 'The HowardStern Show.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'mextra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have togive everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can seewhat's playing on the other screens. Let's rememberthe reason something was a television show in thefirst place is that the idea wasn't good enough to bea movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do justfine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care inthe first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

What would it be?

So, what would make your day right now? Not your year or even your month, just your day.

I am thinking-- a friend picking up me and the kids, taking kids to a babysitter that she arranged and going to Houston's for a nice fat juicy filet mignon.

It's a hard-knock life for us!

I took G to see Annie at the Fox. Her first theatre experience!

Besides Mrs. Doubtfire and her 3-year old granddaughter with a hairbow the size of Montana sitting in front of us, we enjoyed the show.

Although G cried all the way home when the usher asked us if we were part of the after-the-show party and I said no. She did not understand why someone would not invite her to their party!!

Noah

I am having a bad case of blogger's block...so bad in fact, I think I will just post a picture of my sweet German Shepherd/Chow mix, Noah.

He will be 10 this year, and his eyes are not what they used to be. I think he still misses his sister, Raven, who had to be put to sleep 2 years ago. She was a black lab/Chow mix.

I adopted this sweet guy on a whim after my grandfather died in '98. He was so fiesty and actually ran like a deer. He still loves to play with the kids.

UPDATE: After I bragged about this sweet boy, he stole Mu's egg right out of his plate this morning!! Bad dog!

Lamenting Session

So, I go into a meeting with my team and managers, and hear two hours of lamenting from my boss's boss. I wanted to get up and walk out.

The powers-that-be decided to take a piece of our business and give it to another department. My general feeling is that we will get it back after they see how much they should have appreciated us in the first place. But, he took it personally. He was grieving his loss right there in front of his team. Being negative about the whole thing...2 hours of this!
I wanted to raise my hand and say, "This is not a counseling session." He called me 3 times yesterday to talk about this before I had to hear about it in the meeting for 2 hours....AAAHHHHH!!
But what gripes me is, one of my co-workers was complaining about something in the last meeting, and he got a call from my boss saying that he was being too negative and he didn't want that around the new employees. This particular co-worker is probably the most positive person on our team. He just had one complaint and articulated it very professionally.
I can't work for this guy anymore.

It's that time again!!

LOST 3 seasons in 8 minutes!

For those who have never watched, now is the time to catch up before Jan 31st!!

A sign of things to come?

My "famous" dad

Ok. Turns out dear ol' dad is an extra in a movie with none other than MATTHEW FOX!!!

We are Marshall!!!

It is a restaurant scene where 2 people are talking (I haven't seen the movie yet so I don't know who the characters are). Dad (wearing glasses) is sitting behind them eating. He has about 5 seconds of fame. He kept telling me about a movie he was in, but I didn't know which one he was talking about until I saw him over the holidays.

He is retired now so he likes to hang out with movie stars whenever possible.

He was also an extra in a movie with Harry Connick Jr that never came out. What is up with him being in movies with all the hotties that I love?

Dad says Matthew McConaughey is a jerk. Who cares? I don't want to talk to him. I just want to look at him.

Happy New Year!

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Just because I noticed a few years ago, they are the same every year.

But I heard a great sermon Sunday that challenged us to be rivers that have a purpose and flow in one direction instead of floods that spread out miles wide and a few feet deep causing destruction everywhere.

The first day of 2008 has been great!

• My kids got along and played together most of the day.
• I did not feel bad for playing games and reading all day instead of working on my to-do list.
• Mu took a 3 hour nap.
• I was allowed to sleep until 10 am!!
• Only 30 more days until the season premiere of LOST.